Note Of The Day…

“My mother… she is beautiful, softened at the edges and tempered with a spine of steel. I want to grow old and be like her.”  – Jodi Picoult

My mom was just that, soft and nurturing,  yet small and oh so mighty.  We went toe-to-toe in my childhood and adolescence – my strong will matched so completely by her inner strength; a power that I suspect she never quite fully realized.  It’s what I channel to this day as a mother of my own mini me.

To grow old and be like her would be an honor.

My mother lived what unconditional love looks like; she was forever my number one champion and the evening she quietly slipped to the other side marks a most striking contrast; a before-and-after moment in my life, unparalleled by nothing other than the birth of my own child. The stories I could share to make this clear are endless. My mother knew me in ways I am still yet realizing. She saw me in a way I can’t even quite yet, standing here in the middle point of my life.  She accepted me despite my many attempts to push her back, because I always needed one more test to know that she really and truly was always going to love me.

She always passed.

Today marks the day she left our world, sixteen years ago.  There will come a day, when I will know more years without her than I do with her, but thankfully we are not there yet. Even if so, her essence, her spirit really, is etched deep within; she is part of me. If life is aligned as it should be, we do not forget our mothers, and I think that we never stop needing them. At least I don’t, and in fact, the older I get, the more I realize just how much I need her. I wasn’t yet a mother myself when she passed on, and it’s my deepest sadness that we didn’t get to share this profound part of our lives.

Anticipating this milestone, I have been thinking of her more than usual, if that’s possible. Not too long ago, I unearthed a box of old journals – a Pandora’s box of memory and emotion.

In the box, I found – among so much else – something I wrote in October of 1995, while taking a creative writing class. It reveals, and reminds me of an exquisite part of her character, her everyday presence. That look between us in our photo above.  Her gift of constancy; I always knew I was at the top of mind for her.  What I wrote 19 yrs ago  – which turned out to be exactly two years before we started to say our goodbyes, my memorial to a most gracious soul  – is really my post for today.

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Here’s to you mom,

you are missed

in every way,

in my every day.

xo

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33 thoughts on “Note Of The Day…

  1. That was beautiful. What a loving tribute. It pains me to think of the day that I no longer have my Mom here with me. Hugs to you.

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  2. that was just beautiful Bons. it sounds like your mom was much like mine is. there is always a bag hanging on the living room door knob with my name on it. it holds magazines with notes written in the sidebar, clippings from the newspaper, a new pair of socks that were such a bargain she ‘just couldn’t leave them there’, a card that my sister in law in dublin had sent her………………..and if I don’t stop by soon enough to visit, she drives the bag out to me with leftovers in tow. i too will miss those notes of the day and for now and always, am thankful for them.

    btw, you are too damn cute and so sweet on your mom’s lap. there’s NOTHING like a mother’s love.

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    • Pam!! I ALWAYS love it when you are here. Our moms do sound so similar and that just makes me so so happy! Hug her for me, will ya? Tell her its from me :). My mom always had a collection of things like that too to give me…whether she found something on sale, or was ready to part with something she knew I had been eyeing…

      So sweet, and love to know that spirit is to be found all around….savor it and know that it always is part of you. So glad to have you for this post!!! 🙂

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  3. “She accepted me despite my many attempts to push her back…..”. Yes, there is no love greater than a mother’s love (at least in my case and yours). I miss my mom every day. Thank you for sharing your mother with me.

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    • Carolann, oh I wish that you didn’t understand, but at the same time, glad that you do. For, that means you have a beautiful mother also. Here’s to mother love and gratitude in the midst of missing.

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  4. Not able to take dad out to the cemetery due to rainy weather…and him with a walker would be a challenging negotiation. Thanks for your post…felt like I visited her today through your words.

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    • You two will get there…and she will be there! 🙂 I am glad this brought her to you too. We got lucky with her in many ways. And we got each other because of her.

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  5. Truly touching, Bonnie. I will treasure my next phone call with Mom in an extra special way, thanks to you and your open-hearted sharing. Th beautiful spirits revealed in this post are pure light.

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    • Vicki..thank you so much, I LOVE that….pure light. Hers was a truly beautiful spirit – graced so many! Yes, spend some extra minutes with your mama! 🙂

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    • Hi CravesAdventure (love your blog name, btw!) Thank you so much – felt good to recognize her today! Happy relaxing weekend to you too!

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  6. chills! The photos themselves would stand alone for a moving post, but your words add so much more. Lovely, Bonnie 🙂

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    • Ahh, Liz. Thank you. Though, to give you the chills, while moving to know it was moving for you, well, you need warm fuzzies! That one photo is my favorite of her and I…the love so innocent and easy. Thank you. so much.

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  7. I remember those 19 years ago and lovely Bernice. She was such a treasure. I still have the sunflower magnet on my fridge. I am writing to my mom today as well…putting the paper out now. Love ya, Bonnie…almost birthday girl!

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    • I love that you still have her magnet! That is so awesome, you can’t even know. Well, maybe you do! 🙂 Write that note, love on your mama. And, so glad you have Bernice tucked away in your memory – glad you got to know her too. xoxo love you too!

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  8. Even though I just had dinner with her last night, I’m going to press “comment” and go call my mom. Thank you, Bon. xoxoxoxo

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  9. Ah BonBon – to see the unmitigated joy in these pictures. Unfiltered. Unequivocal. Mom love. I celebrate that you were loved so fully. I send my gratitude to your mom – for giving you the kind of memories that are worth cherishing. xox

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    • Mims…so amazing, yes, loved so fully. And I love the gratitude you feel for and what she gave to me…it’s my job now, my turn, to pass all of that on. I had a beautiful teacher. xoox

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