How Will I Be Changed?

This time last year, to the day, I wrote about how I had begun engaging in the process of choosing a word instead of resolutions to guide my year. I was resolute about giving up the habit of making new year’s resolutions; and how they had little sticking power in my experience. For the year of 2012, I had chosen the word ‘nudge’ and at the end of that year, I realized, with stunning clarity, how big changes and new understandings had their genesis in a word of such gentleness. To be nudged is not dramatic or even perceptible in some cases, but over time, a series of nudges allows for great change. I let myself be pushed.

As 2012 rolled over into 2013, I began my reflection on what word to choose. I invited ‘Nudge‘ to come along for the ride, with me, into the year 2013 and asked her to help me with my new word of ‘Give‘ which again, I must say, chose me.  It was a word that admittedly, kinda made me a little nervous! I tried to say no and convince myself that it was a different word that just hadn’t appeared yet.

I was wrong about that; ‘give’ just wouldn’t give up. It wouldn’t go away. I know, only now, that I really needed the push in that direction.

It turned out that it was the right word after-all.  And for reasons I couldn’t have fathomed. I assumed that the idea was for me to be the one to do all this ‘giving’ and I was ambitious enough to initiate the task of composing a long list of ways that I could give during the year. I will be honest, though, and tell you that deep down, I was squirmy and uncomfortable with this task and as such, never really was completely successful in accomplishing that mission. I was just too embarrassed to tell you.

Instead, I found that in quiet, ordinary, every day life, I would hear the word whispered to me in simple moments:  give that car the room to merge ahead, wave them on nicely; give that person your full attention – remain quiet and let them talk; spend a few moments in conversation with the building custodian when leaving work, give that compliment to the woman in line ahead of you with the gorgeous hair; tell the person who helped you that they made an impact; express gratitude to the ones who are there for you all the time; give a moment a chance to happen instead of taking over.

As I glance back over my shoulder at this last year; I realize something important was quietly occurring all along.  I see that in giving we also receive, and that I had some big lessons to learn about this. I was afraid of the word ‘give’ but not for the reasons I thought.  It’s not always easy to receive.  To allow in love and support from unexpected sources, when you are expecting judgement and shame? Being able to receive the giving of that is large.

Were there moments when I did not give, or give in?  Of course.  It would be disingenuous to pretend otherwise. The push-pull and tug of war of me-vs.-them was ever-present in so many moments.  But I can also see, now, that the times I remembered to give, are ironically when I also received the most in return. Peace, Gratitude. Understanding. Laughter. Knowing.

It felt different. I wish I had written down every time I commented how the Universe just seemed to have my back, when I was most vulnerable and most uncertain about what was coming next. I’d have shoe boxes full of notes to myself.

I didn’t complete a check list of ‘giving moment’s that I thought I was supposed to do, and yet, I think I am able to accept that. It feels far more authentic to weave the idea of giving and receiving into quiet, simple and gentle moments. At first, my logical brain needed it to be a project: linear and attainable. My spirit needed it to be fluid and meaningful, never finished but instead, simply a way of being. Sometimes it happened in the hardest and most painful moments. Sometimes it was just something so simple. When friends I had not met in person would text, when I somehow needed it the most, and say, “you got this, girl!”, or listen fully to every detail of an unraveling of one life and the beginning of a new one. Or when my son showed me his resilient and adaptive soul, over and over again. Or when honest conversations brought me closer together with those I already held close to my heart. Or when giving myself over to the snail’s pace of a 93 yr old mind with dementia and I receive more stories, more layers about what I know as family. Or when giving in to a moment and a new friendship is formed before my very eyes.  

Yes, it seems fair to say that the word “give’ chose me for reasons I could never have anticipated and I feel changed because of it.  The year had not yet concluded when I was presented with the loudest whisper of all, when something inside me said ‘we have to help her‘ and we did. Again, I was on the receiving end and was graced by my beautiful friends and their unbelievable generosity and compassion, but more importantly, by their faith in me and willingness to take my lead. But even more so, I received the gift of making a difference in not one but two lives. A mama and her still-on-the-way baby boy. I received the gift of being richly rewarded and affirmed for taking a risk.

Nudge and Give were working in tandem and what an awesome team they make.

A new year has begun and it’s time to choose a new word, or perhaps be open to what chooses me.  Like when naming a child or a pet, it takes time to see if the word and the year are a good fit. This one just won’t leave me alone; it even started showing up early.

For 2014, I bring along Nudge and Give, they have been so good to me and by now we are such close companions. We travel well together and this year we add to our growing word family:

done on purpose. deliberate. intended. conscious. 

In the process of reflecting and writing this, I came across this sentence:   You have to want it more than you are afraid of it not happening.
Bam.  There it is.

And yes, just like other years, it scares the shit out of me.

What will this require of me? What path(s) will this lead me down? What changes will I need to make? What sacrifices? How will I be challenged?

How will I be changed?

There is only one way to find out. Let’s go.

Happy New Year and what is your word? I would love to know.

46 for 46

In approximately 46 days, I will turn, well, 46.  There it’s out.  That means you all have 46 days to get my mailing address and send a gift! Oh, wait, did I say that out loud?

Oops, that’s not what I meant!

What I meant to tell you is that I read something last week that made an impression on me.  From a blog I follow, called Kind Over Matter and whose tagline reads: ‘touching the world with kindness, inspiration, gentleness and love”  authored by a variety of writers, came an email with the subject line  “how giving gave my birthday meaning”.  Knowing that I am just mere days away from turning a new number, it caught my attention.  I am not one to shy away from birthdays for fear of more wrinkles, aches and creaks; I believe that age is a state of mind. But I do approach a birthday with an appreciation for and an interest in looking at what my life means, to me and to others. Cake [lava cake to be specific] and presents are always welcome, but not required. Wine, on the other hand; is most definitely required. I’ve heard that anti-oxidants are good for anti-aging…

When Random Acts of Kindness was a novel idea, I was an early adopter, intrigued by the whimsical and yet positive impact of reaching out to others in unexpected and unnecessary but delightful ways. I may have actually paid someone’s toll booth fee on at least one occasion. It also reminded me of a memorable experience from college, when all my friends and I were broke and had had our fill of Top Ramen and mac-n-cheese.  A lasting impression was made on me when one of our friends invited a large group of us out to a nice restaurant – and paid  – for a fantastic meal for everyone. He shared that in his culture, it’s the custom to give to others in your life on your birthday, to return the gifts of friendship and love.  So, the more I considered this notion of a giving birthday, the more captivated I became. The blog post illustrated how one woman completed 35 acts of giving to celebrate her 35th birthday, and because this is me we are talking about, I have to take this literally – naturally  – as much as I appreciate the random nature of things – and have 46. Right? Right.

I have been quietly pondering this possibility, considering the different sides of ‘signing myself up for this’ and on some days, I am fascinated, and on others, intimidated. I have a lot in front of me at the moment;  this is my busy season at work, a big presentation to prepare for later this spring, and so on. And then I remind myself: we are all busy, everyone has too much to do.  And each time I gave myself permission to let it go [after-all, who would know?], I found myself coming back to this idea. In my mind, the challenge has been presented, and frankly, I think it’s probably necessary, something I may even need.

So, here we go, we are doing this.  Yes, you heard me correctly. We.

I was tempted to go about this quietly, not say anything, in part because that makes sense to me and in part because it’s often just how I do things.  It’s counter-intuitive to me to make it my mission to share and then tell everyone about it. But then I realized: I would not have learned about this possibility if someone else hadn’t talked about it. I would not have been inspired if someone hadn’t taken the opportunity to be an inspiration.  So, I convinced myself that sharing this is OK and again, because it’s me, put my own twist on it, and ask you for help.

Remember the WE that I mentioned earlier?

This is where you come in and where YOU and I become WE.  I want to let myself be nudged, and turn the turning a new number into one of giving, and I’d like your help.  My goal is to somehow give in 46 ways to mark 46 years and I need your ideas for how to give, what to give, and to whom.

Let your brains fly   – WWYD – What would You Do?  Think of ideas – from simple, sentimental, and silly, to as fun, crazy and  ridiculous as you want.  Some can cost money, and some shouldn’t.

I will make a list of our ideas…a combination of yours and mine..and over time, as I complete them, share how it goes with you. We are in this together after all.

And for those who might be wondering, my word for 2013 is…

give.

And yes, I am intimidated. And fascinated.

“We make a living by what we get.

We make a life by what we give.”

Winston Churchill

May I Help You?

From the time we are born, people help us. In ideal situations, our mothers and fathers feed us, protect us, love and care for us, doing everything needed to ensure our survival. As we grow, we take on more and more of these tasks, but still, we are helped: up the stairs,  learning how to read, tying our shoes, preparing our food, learning right from wrong.

We master the tasks of learning to read, and write, and run, and think; but still with the help of others in an ever-widening circle. Teachers, coaches, aunts, grandparents, siblings and friends.

We move into the age where we begin to be able to help others, even if in very small ways: carrying our plate to the sink, taking the hand of a younger sibling; putting away toys and maybe helping to fill lunch bags and empty laundry baskets.

Soon, we are in a place in life where it is expected that we will help others;  service hours in school, perhaps becoming parents ourselves, caring for aging parents, committees at work, coaching our kids sports teams, school volunteer hours, and charity fundraising.

We spend our whole life on this pendulum of helping; moving from being in constant need of help to perhaps, for some of us, constant care of others.

There are examples all around us, of how we help each other on a daily basis: watching our friend’s kids, listening to someone in pain, donating blood, holding a door open for another, sitting with a sick friend, remembering a birthday or making dinner for a family in crisis.

We all help, in some form or fashion, but what surprises me is the question: do we really feel comfortable asking for help? Is there something we have learned along the way, a little voice inside that says we should be able to take care of things on our own?

If so, where do we learn to forget to ask for help, or that we somehow shouldn’t, cant? How do we get to a place where we feel as if we could perhaps be a burden on others simply by saying, “I need some help.” Or maybe for some, it’s a fear of needing someone else.

It can be my tendency, and I know others who say, “Oh I don’t want to be a burden on others, I don’t want to impose” I find it curious how as beings who would not survive without help, and in turn nurture our young giving them all the help we can, that somehow, for at least some of us, we can get to a place where asking for help, perhaps even needing help doesn’t always come easily.

It’s known in child development theory that healthy self esteem among kids of all ages comes from the sense and the knowledge that they are valued, that they have something to contribute, provide, that no one else can. They are needed.  Perhaps we might think about asking for help as a way of showing others that we see their unique value, that we see what they can contribute and that they are needed?

What do you think are reasons behind why it may be hard for some people to ask for help? What about you?