Those Rocks. That Tree.

As time passes, and life happens to and around us,  we are not necessarily the same people year after year.

And, it seems, to me, that we shouldn’t be.  Without compromising who we are at the core; we learn and grow. As a rock erodes into a pebble and eventually into sand over time, we have the potential to change in seemingly invisible ways every day. Our minds can change. Lord knows our bodies change. Relationships come and go and add rich layers of memory and story and sometimes hurts and forgiveness.

Our kids, the people we are raising, leave us changed daily.  Responding to the struggle(s) of the day, whether it’s the 7th grade math, freshman year jitters, college goodbyes, first heart breaks, puberty, or the teething and diapers – it all becomes part of our core. Like cooking from a recipe made so many times we feel it more than we can explain it. It just is. We just are.

My son is on the early cusp of puberty, my father has dementia. I am still a mother and a daughter but what that means and requires of me is changing as they change. Some days it looks no different than the day before, and then suddenly it’s obvious we are all different.

That said, among all that we juggle – the balls we manage to catch, and the ones we simply know are hovering in the balance, seemingly invisible but so very present – comfort can be found when we return to a place that does not change. A place that is somehow a constant for us, a landmark in both the metaphorical and concrete kind of ways.  A place that somehow soothes our soul, beckons us to memories that we can smell and feel from visits gone by, but it’s as if it were yesterday each time we return.

When you recognize a tree in the forest like an old friend, and know the one rock on which to sit by the lake.  They are unchanged and exactly where you saw them last.

That.

A place where the soul settles and rests.

And exhales.

We should all have that kind of place.

Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.  – John Ruskin

A place where we are sure of who we are, excited about possibilities we perhaps can’t even fathom (but like those balls hovering in the balance, we know they are there…) and revel in all that has been.  From good to difficult and everything that lies between. A place where –  no matter the season,  no matter the weather  – gives us just exactly the moments we need. No matter in what direction the winds may blow, to have and find comfort in a place that we are so very lucky to know.

And I’ve been lucky enough to learn that when someone you adore adores the same place as you – well, that’s one sweet exhale.

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Ps…thanks to Lori for the Ruskin quote!
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Quit your whining. Move.

Running. Trying to run.

Gasping. Stopping. Whining

Two weeks off.

A trip.

Of gastronomic proportions.

Eating. It all.

Jet lag.

No movement.

One with the couch.

Gasping. Last one in at run’s end.

Feeling bitchy about how easy it doesn’t feel.

Round the corner.

Head down. Eyes to the ground.

Almost.

There.

Glint. In my eye.

A car. Parked. The door opens.

Eyes still down, in view are two rubber stoppers.

Those things at the bottom. Bottom of crutches.

Two stoppers. One shoe.

Shit.

I have two legs.

Shit.

Run. Run. Run.

Dig deep, woman.

YOU.Can.Run.

Heart rate picks up. Pace picks up.

Momentum surges.

Still last runner in.

Still gasping.

But running.

On two legs.

Quit your whining.

Move.

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This memory, from a few months back upon returning from our Paris trip, is still SO vivid in my mind, in ME, and was triggered by yet another  lapse in momentum.

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Note Of The Day…

“My mother… she is beautiful, softened at the edges and tempered with a spine of steel. I want to grow old and be like her.”  – Jodi Picoult

My mom was just that, soft and nurturing,  yet small and oh so mighty.  We went toe-to-toe in my childhood and adolescence – my strong will matched so completely by her inner strength; a power that I suspect she never quite fully realized.  It’s what I channel to this day as a mother of my own mini me.

To grow old and be like her would be an honor.

My mother lived what unconditional love looks like; she was forever my number one champion and the evening she quietly slipped to the other side marks a most striking contrast; a before-and-after moment in my life, unparalleled by nothing other than the birth of my own child. The stories I could share to make this clear are endless. My mother knew me in ways I am still yet realizing. She saw me in a way I can’t even quite yet, standing here in the middle point of my life.  She accepted me despite my many attempts to push her back, because I always needed one more test to know that she really and truly was always going to love me.

She always passed.

Today marks the day she left our world, sixteen years ago.  There will come a day, when I will know more years without her than I do with her, but thankfully we are not there yet. Even if so, her essence, her spirit really, is etched deep within; she is part of me. If life is aligned as it should be, we do not forget our mothers, and I think that we never stop needing them. At least I don’t, and in fact, the older I get, the more I realize just how much I need her. I wasn’t yet a mother myself when she passed on, and it’s my deepest sadness that we didn’t get to share this profound part of our lives.

Anticipating this milestone, I have been thinking of her more than usual, if that’s possible. Not too long ago, I unearthed a box of old journals – a Pandora’s box of memory and emotion.

In the box, I found – among so much else – something I wrote in October of 1995, while taking a creative writing class. It reveals, and reminds me of an exquisite part of her character, her everyday presence. That look between us in our photo above.  Her gift of constancy; I always knew I was at the top of mind for her.  What I wrote 19 yrs ago  – which turned out to be exactly two years before we started to say our goodbyes, my memorial to a most gracious soul  – is really my post for today.

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Here’s to you mom,

you are missed

in every way,

in my every day.

xo

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In Your Words

When I shared my word for 2014, I asked you if you engage in the process of choosing a word to guide your year also, and if so, what is it? I hoped that a few of you would comment and share a word. And you did.

What I didn’t count on was your amazing response, on so many levels, to the reflections I shared about the impact of choosing “Give’ as my word for last year. You each gave me so much in your comments and to say thank you, I wanted to reflect back to you your answers to my question:

what is your word?

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This is what you said!

Wow! Holy words batman, check us out!

We are a formidable bunch and 2014 has no choice but to stand down to the likes of us and let us move throughout this year with a healthy focus on presence and wonder; listening to our inner voice when it reminds us to be confident and accept what life brings our way; urging us to thrive so that we meet discovery feeling flat-footed and ready to dream, to be filled with hope, and just be better all around.  2014? Here we all are. Ready.

I am unbelievably grateful to be in the midst of each of you and your words.

Wishing all of you

all of this,

and more,

as we move step by step into this year filled with so much good and so much possibility…

Peace

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Beginning

What do the beginner’s mind, an organized desk, a new year,
and a bird about to take flight all have in common?

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Hope for a new beginning.
A sense of possibility.
Anticipation of something new.

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We All Carry On

It seems that over the last week, I have heard such heart breaking stories from every angle: a terminally ill young child, an astoundingly dedicated and innovative teacher who gives his heart to his students in incredibly creative ways, and then returns home each day to care for his achingly affected son; a young man raising money for his aunt who has been diagnosed with cancer; a regular person putting a crackled heart back together, a mom who struggles with her own kiddo, a friend who finds out the job he loves is not his anymore.

It goes on all around us; all of us, we each have a story.

And it’s true, being in touch with what is happening around us, really does help us keep things in perspective. How often do we hear about the circumstances of others, and then comment, “well, that sure put things in perspective!” realizing that the (fill in the blank here) we were fretting about really isn’t that bad.  It’s reminded me that it’s not just a matter of remembering that somehow someone has it worse off than we do; it’s the importance of keeping it at the front side of our brain how good we do have it.  Seeing things through a lens of abundance. Remembering that our pity-party hats are the most flattering when worn by the hat-rack. And, it seems that it’s just a good reminder to just simply remember to keep our ears tuned in to each other, our hearts soft for the person next to us; staying with the pulse of all that goes on around us.

Because it’s so very true; we all have holes…and yet, we all carry on.

 

Holes, by Passenger on their album, All the Little Lights

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Tickle My Fancy Friday

Human beings are multifaceted jewels.
We have many important dimensions to our being.
These include the physical, emotional, mental, intellectual and the spiritual.
Seek your perfection in all of these together, and neglect none.
Seek balance and harmony in all aspects of yourself.

Sri Dharma Pravartaka Acharya

If we are doing it right, we are inspired, tickled and engaged with a variety of things over the course of a day. or week or month. When we find what resonates with various parts of ourselves, we respond with an out-loud-laugh, a sigh, a wide-open mouth, a hand on the chin, big bright eyes. All of which say yes to some part of ourselves, parts that need to be visited, touched, moved and honored.  It is what brings joy, peace and a  sense of place to our lives.  Enjoy a few of the moments that brought a response ranging from a nod of my head to an out loud laugh…

Beauty

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Using digital techniques, photographer Jackson Patterson blends his own photographs with images found in old family albums.

Born and raised in Arizona, photographer Jackson Patterson has always been fascinated with the beauty of the desert and the general lifestyle of people in the American West. Recollected Memories is a series of photomontage images that were inspired by this passion for that landscape visually blended together with his larger family history. For more of these amazing, creative and stunning images, click here

Inspiration

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I need both…

Emotion

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What would you like to say?

It’s nearly impossible to know when you’ll be moved by something; when something will impact you in such a way that you feel inspired and driven to take on the world….

The Things You Would Have Said has been an unbelievable and uplifting experience, and I couldn’t have started it without first allowing my surroundings to affect me. If I could pass on one lesson I’ve learned, among many, it would be this: let the world ignite something inside of you. Be open to the emotions that surface. Why are you angry? What about this makes you cry? Are you being called to action? Instead of minimizing those answers, embrace them. Be the courageous individuals that you are and use that spark to do good, to change lives, and to make the world a little bit easier to manage for everyone in it. What an honor, right?!   Jackie Hooper is the creator of The Things You Would Have Said project and book. Visit www.wouldhavesaid.com and buy the book here.

Wit

PB & J 2.0

PB & J 2.0

In case you are wondering [admit it, you know you are! ]

Rows: Strawberry jam, Honey, Marshmallow fluff.
Columns: Peanut butter, Nutella, Cookie butter.

 

Faith

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Perhaps this is also true with our loved ones…

So, What tickles your fancy?

What gets you to take a double-take?

What gets your heart to smile?

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Really and Truly

Here in this place, we tend to say, share, what we really want to, truly need to. There is some kind of unwritten rule perhaps, that that is why we are here?  And when we let that voice speak, the one that may not get the chance in other parts of our day, or with other people, or maybe with anyone else at all, how can we be anything but inspired by the other voices chiming in on our conversations, adding fresh perspectives and warm nods of agreement and understanding.

I never expected to find myself here and when I first began I certainly did not envision such a place.  I considered rolling up the carpet a couple of times, but a little something told me to just ‘deal’ with those funny feelings that come when we step outside our comfort zone.  And then to find that there are others who are a whole lot just like you.  Hanging out too.  Like the best virtual coffee house in town.

This inspires me every day.

And I think it goes without saying that there is that little flip and flop in your belly when someone says, “hey, I notice you, I like you…”

And sometimes, it feels like a whole lot must be said, when really, what is most important is a simple, heartfelt thank you, and a wave back. So, today I wave, and say thank you to those who said, “Hey, you over there, I see you and I am listening”

Two people who inspire me with each post, each share, each find…have gone and turned me into a puddle of gratitude mess. Some days it is laughter, others head scratching – yes exactly what I was thinking -wonderment, sometimes even tears, and always admiration. I don’t quite have the words for how to express when someone who inspires you, says that maybe, on some days, you inspire them too.

So, I wave and say thanks to Mimi (Waiting for the Karma Truck) who shared the Inspiring Blog Award with me.   With each post, Mimi manages to raise up thoughts I didn’t really know were there, but are; or make me laugh in some kind of solidarity; or stop in my tracks (to re-read) so I can fully absorb the grace I find in what she writes, and always makes me feel I have a place there in her corner.  And because it is humbling to “accept” an award when I still feel like I am finding my own blog legs, it seems to take me an inordinate amount of time to figure out how to say thank you, which I say also to David (Lead.Learn.Live), for this very same award he shared a ways back at this point. Each day I visit his blog, he ceases to amaze on finds that strike a chord, make me ponder something about life, walk away with a new appreciation for words and images and somehow has managed to pick out a few finds from my old stomping grounds, making me feel right at home.

So I say with the most heartfelt thanks I can summon in words, thank you!

So, as it goes, the ‘rules’ are

The Rules:
1.) Copy and Paste the icon on your blog- will do!
2.) Thank and link back to the blogger that nominated you- Of course
3.) List 7 things  about yourself – done!
4.) List blogs that inspire you – check!

Seven things:

  1. I hesitate every time I hit the publish button…
  2. I ‘performed’ in the 3rd grade talent show; my friend played her guitar, and I did something that approximated singing. It’s a wonder I don’t have nightmares about that.
  3. I have seen an iceberg
  4. It is one of my greatest sadnesses that my son never met either of his grandmothers, and that they never got to know him.
  5. My cable service/DVR crashed recently, and other than grieving the loss of approximately four hours of viewing Jon Hamm on Mad Men episodes from last season that I hadn’t had a chance to watch yet, what I missed most in the days it took to get a new one,  were the music channels.
  6. I look for, and savor the moments of play in my days: joking with the barrista at Starbucks, surprising my students, teasing my son, finding moments to say something unexpected that makes someone smile or laugh.
  7. I took the time and started a conversation with the woman who works at my post office recently. I know her name now, how many kids she has, that she has a cake decorating business (23yrs!) and I get a big smile every time I walk in now. It’s really not that hard.

The bloggers who continually inspire me:

In our day -to-day 3D lives, we tell those closest to us how much we care for them, over and over; it never gets old, right? And so, with abandon for the idea of not wanting to be repetitive, I am sharing blogs that, in addition to the two already mentioned, Mimi, and David, are the ones who  truly do inspire me, whether it be the insightful thoughts and diverse perspectives shared, the validating inclusion in the blogging community, or engaging in the comment conversation.  Know that I look forward to finding out what you share on  any given day, and that if we were to have the good fortune to bump into each other in a coffee house, how much I would enjoy sitting with you and just seeing where the conversation might go.

Stuff I Tell My Sister

Help Me Rhonda

Dianne Gray

Fly Away Home

Truth & Cake

Misifusa’s Blog

Words Become Superflous

Smile Scavenger

Hip Mama Media

Mercantile Muse

Mother Sugar

A Grateful Man

To each of you, thank you for sharing what you share, for your insights, your ideas, revealing bits of you along the way, trusting all of us. Please know that if  you just want to savor this, sip it like a perfect latte. Or cup of tea. Or, if you want to share, pour a cup for other bloggers who inspire you.  You get to choose!

One

One thing can make all the difference in the world.

How one father’s life taken, far too early, can inexplicably change the course of a family for generations, forever.

How one  person can change an entire day with just a smile.

How one mother can forever change the world of one little girl.

How one person who abuses their power can cause the suffering of an entire people.

How one child makes a family.

How one leader can dash the morale of an entire soul.

How one partner can render someone invisible to themselves.

How one comment starts a conversation.

How one degree hotter makes water boil.

How one conversation can start a friendship.

How one word can change a whole story.

How one song can lift spirits.

How one friend can make you feel so at home.

Yes, one thing can make all the difference in world.

Do you have a one?

Seven and 7

Over the summer, my son attended a variety of camps: soccer, baseball, zoo, aquatic, etc.  They were all great experiences for him, kept him engaged during the day while I worked and introduced him to new skills, kids, adults, and routines.  The last camp of the summer was by far his favorite, technology camp where he was exposed to what goes into programming a video game. Heaven for an eight year old.

On the last day, they held a parent showcase and I went to see his project, meet the instructors and get a glimpse into what his life had been like during his geek week.  I was already impressed with the professionalism, organization and friendliness of the staff, but what impressed me the most was that at no less than three times during the parent showcase program, the kids were asked to acknowledge other campers by pointing out qualities and attributes they found helpful, likable, and worth mentioning. I beamed as I heard other kids acknowledge my son for things like being a good friend, a good helper and good at helping them figure out solutions.  But when it was kiddo’s turn to return the acknowledgments, I was even prouder to see him easily share his gratitude for other kids he had only just met; understanding that he was better because of them.

I was impressed with this camp for integrating this into their curriculum, impressing it upon these kids, who will before we know it – be decision makers, leaders – the importance of recognizing others for their uniqueness, their contributions and their part in the larger whole.

I feel the same about the blogosphere; I had no idea when I first began here, the degree to which other bloggers support each other. It’s remarkable, really.  I work in an environment where this is a missing piece to a large extent, and so perhaps for me it is more glaring, more obvious.  I think the blogging community has much to teach what is often referred to as the ‘real world’.

And so, with that, I acknowledge – with a big  thank you – Rhonda {Help Me Rhonda} and Amber {The Smile Scavenger} for passing along the torch of recognition known as the  Seven Things About Me blog award – you both are amazing and I am so grateful to have found both of you here on the wordscape of blogland.

And in case you were wondering, I can do the math, so together, you get 4-teen.

It’s harder than it seems [right Rhonda?] to come up with seven, if not 14, things that would be remotely interesting to all of you. I mean, you couldn’t possibly want to know that on a high school ski trip, I rode up the chair lift with a ski instructor/emergency responder, whom I told I was a newbie, and whom reassured me he’d make sure I was fine, that at the moment we needed to jump off the lift chair, he caused me – and him – to fall, a split leg roll over backwards under the chair, tangling of our skies, causing the people on the chair behind us to also fall. And then, only to see him get up, in a huff, without helping me, and ski off down the run?  Or, that my illustrious career in shoplifting began and ended when I was five years old?  No, those are not the kind of things you were hoping to learn, were you?

So, of course there are some rules I must follow.

Thank the blogger who nominated you ::  Rhonda, Amber, thank you for passing the torch of generosity!

Share 7 14 things about yourself  ::  2 down, 12 to go…

Nominate other bloggers* you think deserve the award and post on their blog to let them know. It’s my hope to highlight bloggers I haven’t shared before with you here, and keep your eyes open…there just might be some more love to share around another corner.

So, I threw in an extra one. A bonus, you might think, but one of them is a myth; can you spot the one that is not true?

3. Apparently I go blank when asked to share 7 things about myself, as that is exactly what happened when Rhonda and Amber passed along this lovely blog award.

4. I often use the term enigma to describe myself; I am this and I am also that. I love monochrome and bright bursts of color; I am an introvert, but walk easily in extrovert shoes; I like sweet and I like salty [better if together!], I am a goof-ball with a serious, introspective side; I plan and I procrastinate;  I am sarcastic and I am sensitive; I am a leader and I am happy to follow [as long as I believe in whom I follow].

5. I blush way too easily, and when I realize I am blushing, I just blush more. And I hate it!

6. I have no musical talent whatsoever, but music helps me interpret the world around me and my own feelings.

7. I dropped out of the Brownies when I was 8. After my parents bought the whole uniform set for me. Including the watch.

8. I envy those who wear their heart on their sleeve; mine tends to hang out in my pocket.

9. I played basketball in high school.

10. I have run two marathons and four half marathons.

11. In the 8th grade, I played on the school softball team and it was last inning, last ups, we were down 1, bases were loaded, 2 outs and I was up. I struck out. And yes, I am over it, sort of.

12. I got the chicken pox on my 17th birthday.

13. I dream of learning how to paint one day.

14. I learned how to drive on a ’66 mustang with no power steering and a cast on my right arm, with my older brother as my teacher. And yes,  I am right handed.

15. I broke both arms at the same time in college, the night before final exams. And no, that’s not when I learned to drive.

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* I hope you enjoy the acknowledgement that I think you are super, and smile when I see a new post from you in my inbox, or a comment on a post. It is entirely up to you to sit and savor this or turn it into a post of your own; please know you are under no obligation from me.  Cheers!